Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Vividly Paranoid

I have been really slack with posting lately.
But that's because I've been really busy. It's relative.

Last night I got locked up in a Bali prison.

Well, in my dream I did.
I have been having the most vivid dreams lately.
You know the type when you wake up and you feel disorientated, like something profound and life changing has occurred but you have no idea what.

For three nights in a row I dreamt 'end of world' dreams. Everyone centred around trying to save and protect my children, playing on the anxiety and fear that nibbles at the edges of my brain everyday, that if I don't concentrate on my breathing and focus inwardly, it will take over my mind, body and soul until I'm a panting, sweaty, crying mess.

It's happened before.

There was a shadow of it before the boys were born, but it became a big growling monster when the boys were about 2 weeks old. Linc had a mild case of jaundice. .As recommended they had been having their day sleeps in the porta cot under the window in the lounge, so Linc could get some sun.

I remember talking to Baker Bob when there was a massive squealing of tyres and loud crashing. Baker Bob when racing out the front to see what was going on. I went racing to the window and at a pace I didn't think I possessed, I dragged the cot to the other side of the room. You see as I heard the squealing of tyres and the crashing getting closer by the second, my mind instantly thought of a car ploughing through our front window and taking out the cot. Excessive, maybe but not too far fetched.
The car ploughed through the neighbours fence.

Ever since I see danger around everywhere. But worst still life threatening danger I won;t be able to save them from. I have gotten better. I can see the signs of a panic attack coming now and am slowing learning how to control it. But obviously my dreams aren't cooperating.

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