Saturday, February 19, 2011

Decisions made but not forgotten

When making a decision of minor importance, I have always found it advantageous to consider all the pros and cons. In vital matters, however, such as the choice of a mate or a profession, the decision should come from the unconscious, from somewhere within ourselves. In the important decisions of personal life, we should be governed, I think, by the deep inner needs of our nature. 
~ Sigmund Freud

Was I wrong to listen to medical advice?
Should I have insisted that I at least give natural birth a go, regardless of the fact that Mans, Twin A was Footling Breech?

Then later, should I have gone with my gut, against the advice of Drs and tried for a VBAC?
Was it worth the risk of Eva getting stuck in the birth canal. She was already wedged in my pelvis so tightly that they needed forceps to get her out through the incision.

When I dreamt of being pregnant, I imagined a calm birth. Possibly into water. The feel of a warm wet bum in my hand as the baby lay on my chest wailing at the intrusion of everyone else but us. Instead I got cold, sterile white rooms, numbness, vomitting, a feeling of floating above my body, separation from my babies and a scar.

I consoled myself at the time with the fact that I would rather wear the scars from their birth than the other way around, but I just can't shake the feeling that I should have done things differently.

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